When a Rose is not a Rose:
Quid Pro Quo Comparative Statistics to a First Approximation of Macroeconomic Sub-Arctic Class Participation and the Resulting Effects on the EMU
by Kram Hcirdoog, H8, and Michelle Smithers, F3
(Pseudonyms have been used
out of fear for our reporters' Macro grades. What you are about to read
is true and based on actual facts. All data is genuine and all quotes are
direct from the source.)
Every first year heard the warnings: "If you don't want to be cold-called, steer clear of Rose's Macro sections!" Still, those of us who enjoy living life on the edge took the challenge and either came viciously prepared to class or, more likely, sat in a cold, clammy sweat, silently praying, "Please, God, not me, please, God, not me, please, God, not me…."
Well, for the past month and a half two HaasWeek reporters have been undercover, living in harms way, collecting the data, to expose what is possibly the greatest scandal to rock the Haas community since Haasgate. Yes, Ms. Smithers and I meticulously recorded each cold-call. Professor Rose made from March 6th through April 17th, analyzed our data, and are now prepared to present our findings to you, the Haas community. Suffice it to say, Professor Rose's cold-calling tactics are lukewarm at best!
For years Professor Andrew Rose has terrorized Haas first years with his tyrannical cold-calling. Today, this reign of tyranny shall end. The answer to your silent prayers? Look at the chart-just sit on the left side of the room!! Why does this anomaly occur? The answer is all too simple. Professor Rose spends much of his time writing on the board, and Professor Rose is right handed. Therefore, he spends much of his time looking over his right shoulder-directly at the right side of the room-and turns his back to the left side of the room! Simply put, Professor Rose can't go left!
Just like you, Ms. Smithers and I were shocked at the picture our results painted-it wouldn't have even made a challenging statistics homework problem for the incoming first years. As the reader can clearly see, our findings demonstrate the existence of "The Hot Zone"-the Bermuda Triangle of Andy Rose's Macro class.
To verify our statistical analysis, Ms. Smithers and I went straight to the top-Dean, and esteemed statistics professor, Dick Meese for his analysis of our raw data. "Well, Kram and Michelle," began a stunned Dean Meese, clearly trying to assess whether any of this muck was going to land in the Dean's Suite, "We can see that the average number of cold-calls in The Hot Zone is 9.40, while the average number in the rest of the world is 6.48-a difference of 2.92. Our standard deviation for the sample is 3.40-but we must not forget to adjust this for the sample size by dividing the standard deviation by the square root of the sample size. This gives us a standard deviation of .45. From here we perform a simple difference-of-the-means test. By dividing the difference of the means (2.92) by our sample size adjusted standard deviation (.45) we get a t-statistic of 6.54, which as any statistics student can tell you is ENORMOUSLY significant!"
When pressed for his official comment on these findings, Dean Meese went on the record as saying, "This is yet another instance where Professor Rose thinks he is being objective when the data suggests otherwise. Clearly Professor Rose has a leftist bias in his perspective of the world."
Of course, the deep ethical ramifications of our findings were indisputable, so our next stop was the office of Haas's paragon of ethics, Professor David Vogel. After a feigned attempt at shock, Professor Vogel could not mask his lack of surprise. "These findings," opined Vogel, "simply confirm the view that economists' research is ostensibly scientific, but when you delve beneath the surface extraordinary biases are revealed." Shifting his gaze to the cloudy skies, I saw genuine sadness in Professor Vogel's eyes as he continued, "It strikes me that Professor Rose-Andy-may well need some professional help that would enable him to explore his personal experiences during his formative years that have led to this distorted view of reality. Perhaps his skit at the talent show was more than just a skit-but a loud cry for help." But Vogel's mood quickly shifted back as he became the stoic ethics professor once more and concluded, "As an ethics professor, however, I find this pattern of discrimination based on location to be, well, for lack of a better word-UNETHICAL!"
As luck would have it, after leaving Professor Vogel's office, I ran into our Vice-President of Academic Affairs Shee-Yee Wu. I quickly brought her up to speed on our findings. She about went running for an e-mail terminal to start getting to the bottom of this so that the MBAA could brace themselves for yet another scandalous HaasWeek article, but she quickly regained composure when I assured here that President Jeff Marshall and Vice-President of Affairs Going on in the Haas Community, Julia Knowles, would not be implicated. Shwu assured me, however, that she fully intended to convene a committee to discuss charting the cold-calling patterns of all professors and incorporating them into future teacher evaluations. "Expect e-mails soon!" she squeaked as she scurried off and slammed the door to the MBAA office before I could catch her.
The data can be picked apart and dissected in many different ways. Another curious anomaly was the existence of seat H9-a seemingly safe harbor in the eye of the storm. Ms. Smithers and I cannot explain why H9 exists-merely point out that it does. Case in point, Ms. Amy Luna. Ms. Luna used to sit in H10-one of the hottest seats in the Hot Zone. Upon becoming aware of our study in late March, Ms. Luna quickly moved to H9-merely one seat to the left-and has not been cold-called since. Coincidence? We think not. Gushed Miss Luna, "This is the best thing that's happened to me all semester! I don't even have to prepare for Macro anymore-which means I can devote my time to more important pursuits like BPP and Bar of the Week!"
What other advice do Ms. Smithers and Mr. Hcirdoog have for you? Row F-sometimes affectionately referred to as the Peanut Gallery-good God, man, don't sit there unless you've read a day ahead, reviewed your previous class notes, and aspire to become an economist. Also, never sit near Mike Smith, Jed Alpert or Dawn Messman-the cold-calling equivalents of lightening rods.
Our only regret is that we could not bring this situation to light sooner to the benefit of our current classmates. But in even the most noble of pursuits, blood must be shed for the benefit of future generations. It is for this reason that Ms. Smithers and I dedicate this article to the Hot Zone men and women of Macroeconomics, Section 1 and 2, who daily took their seats and absorbed the mental bullets. Ms. Smithers and I were there with you, and in our silent prayers we prayed for each of you-that you all would see the light and just move left!
We hope you all understand why we couldn't
just scream it out, tell you of our findings. But had we done so, our study
would have been pretty ineffective if one day Professor Rose came in and
everyone was crammed into the left side of the room.
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